Weak with emotional exhaustion

I'm feeling so weak right now. I feel like I'm breaking up with J all over again. Even though every note of reason strikes against the idea, I keep thinking 'what if we are meant to be together and I'll never find anyone to love as much as I love him?' I don't like the fact that love can't be enough. Can't it be?

Last weekend, as I've talked to a few of you about already, was, well, just crazy.

It started innocent enough. J came out to dinner with Katie, Richy and I which was great. We hung out with some of his friends afterward and proceeded to get drunk. Not off any scale of absolute drunkenness for myself, but intoxicated. Blah Blah Blah. Night proceeded to J and I falling into a time machine and all of the flirtatious capacity and emotional chemistry of when we were together came flooding into us. It was so wonderful. It was so comforting. I didn't even know how much I had missed it all until it was right there. Like I had found my missing piece and it snapped back into place with a wholesomely genuine, fulfilling satisfaction. It was careless.

I had a moment of hesitation and doubt. I questioned for a moment what in the hell were we doing. He got pissed off. Accused me of just fucking with his head. As I defended myself he told me that this was the first day since October that he hasn't been high and he's not thinking straight.

As the next early morning hours unfolded, J proceeded to tell me about his pill addiction. Mostly Oxycontin and dilaudid, but it sounds like he was taking whatever narcotic pills he could get. He said things spiraled downhill last October. He tried to quit once for a few weeks, but because the withdrawal wasn't as bad as he expected it to be he thought maybe he hadn't been in it as bad as he thought and started up again. He told me that its not difficult to keep it a secret because when he is high on these pills he can function normally in time, but that he has no real concept of what is going on. He is pretty much just completely apathetic about what's going on. He said its made him not miss me.

He couldn't really remember clearly the last couple of times we hung out. The times, in my head, I had determined were examples of our ability to be platonic friends. I realize now there was probably no chemistry as there always had been before because he was high, and he wasn't really there. He said he knows he's talked on the phone with me a couple of times when he was especially high. This make me feel so crushed. It adds sense to a couple of bizarre things he has said and didn't remember, which I had just chalked up to simple male stupidity and lack of attention.

I watched him go through withdrawals that night and throughout Saturday. Nothing dramatic, but he didn't sleep for almost 40 hrs and didn't seem a hint tired. His pupils were oddly dilated. Sweaty, clammy palms. No appetite, nausea. We just hung out and went for a long walk around town to the farmer's market. I didn't want him to be alone and I wanted him to know he had some support in getting sober. We talked about a lot of things including his plan to get clean.

I truly want to see him do well and be happy. And to discover that his life has just been slowly seeping into a sink hole over the past several months crushes me. I know I'm not responsible and I know I can't be his crutch and that he needs to get through this for himself. I've offered him my support.

I'm battling with that place we were just before my moment of hesitation. How wonderful all that was. Is there really no going back there? Really, without doubt, we love each other. His deciding to take pills and insistently get high is exactly the kind of poor judgment and decision making that I recognized in him long ago and why know I can't be with him because. Yet I love him. I miss him. I want him to be happy. I'm happy when I'm with him.

I am going to be supportive with him getting clean. But I feel like I can't really be a strong support if I'm confused about where my feelings are.